Thank you. The truth is I don't deserve any support. I should discharge myself from all services. I should kill myself tonight. I have had a shower and my hair is wet and that is enough of a protective factor for now to stop me going out and doing something risky, I am weak and pathetic. What would even be lost for the world if I was dead? The answer is not much. Chester is dead. I can't get relief from music. I hear his voice and think about how he doesn't exist any more. I know my brother would think about me not existing. I do not know how to cope with life. I can't fix things for my brother and I can't be strong enough to support him. I remember one of my previous psychiatrists saying I need to stop seeing self destruction as an option. A nurse said commit to something in life for one year. I fight against life because I'm not strong enough to deal with the hurt. I don't think I can grasp life and I don't want to float along for years being electrocuted by negative emotions. The only solution is suicide. Lots of people get it right. I am far too weak to handle adult life.
|