I have tried volunteering, paid work, education, social groups. My previous CPN did think that I have too much time on my hands to think about things and my previous psychologist said he thinks the next steps for me should be to have more structured time. I'm just terrified and would rather stay stuck like this than take the risk of doing something that could make things worse and I can't back out of it through giving it up or through death. I don't think I can bear to feel any worse than I do right now. I can't think of anything I'm interested in or want to achieve in life. Life does not appeal to me but I try to hold on for my brother's sake and because I may end up getting suicide wrong. I need some way to relieve my pain. I wish I could relieve my brother's pain at least. I don't want to have to tolerate things any more. I want to be able to self harm to the degree that I used to as that offered me some feeling of control and relief.
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