I’m so sorry Christmas is hard for you. I have a similar story, where years ago I was sectioned a few days after Christmas and two years ago I lost my mum, so Christmas is is hard. What I’m saying is, I do understand, so if you ever need someone to talk to who will understand then I’m here.
There’s so much pressure to be happy at Christmas and it can all seem overwhelming. Take your time and go at your own pace. It’s ok to have quiet moments and to take care of yourself.
I’m sending big hugs your way.
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