[Aubergine]

Christmas is coming and it's hard. I feel anxious about it. It brings up so much crap. I do enjoy bits of it, and as a Christian it's an important time of year for me, but parts of it are so tough.


I have awful memories of a Christmas I spent on a psychiatric ward. I'd spent a few weeks on a psychiatric high dependency ward and had been transfered to the acute ward a few days before the 25th. The psychiatrist would not allow me home, and only authorised 60 minutes of escorted leave in the hospital grounds. My mum, step dad and sister came and we spent some time in the cafe in the general hospital. I have awful memories. I was sectioned in my mum's house and the police came because I'd locked myself in my bedroom and wouldn't come out. The HDU was horrible. The acute ward was... an acute ward at Christmas, which is never a nice thing. It was so traumatic. Restraint and fear and shouting and crying and that's the bits I can remember. The nightmares have started and there's weeks to go yet.


My Nan died in January 4 years ago. I miss her so much. My Mum wasn't around until I was about 10 years old and my dad worked full time, so my nan was one of my two primary care givers as I grew up. I used to spend every Christmas day evening with her and stay the night, even into adulthood. I missed one year out of 26 and that was the year I spent in hospital. I feel so bad about that. The missed year. That extra night I could have spent with her but didn't. I remember my last Christmas with her. It was really lovely, but I would have made it so much more special if I'd known. She died so suddenly. One day I chatted to her on the phone and the very next day my dad appears at my workplace to tell me my aunt had found her body. I'd give anything for another cuddle with her. I know I'll see her again one day, but it's tough waiting.


Christmas is just a stressful time anyway. I'm really fortunate that my family and friends are great and understand my limits, but there is still so much to navigate. I'm spending Christmas day with my Dad, which will be nice and quiet. I'm going to see friends on boxing day to play boardgames and listen to Christmas music. I'm seeing my mum the day after. I've got some church stuff planned and I'll have some alone time. It all appears very manageable, but when coupled with grief and bad memories, it all feels so overwhelming. Maybe the distraction will be good? I don't know.


Sorry. This has been a splurge. I'm fine. A lot of people struggle at Christmas. A hug and/or a kind word would be very welcome though.