[red jane]

I need help . . . is it molestation if you don't/can't say no or fight?

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong forum.

This may get long . . .
I live with a friend (stressing the word friend as platonic as it can be). Don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy, but he's 15 years my senior and that's the most insignificant of my objections.

I can honestly say that without his help, i would not be alive. I ran to him for help when i hit rock bottom and he's helped me ever since. He's made me realize what's important and that i am of worth (although I'm still working on that one a bit).

Here's the problem though . . .
On the nights that i have major panic attacks (which considering the season is about 3-5 nights a week) when i literally can't pull myself up off the floor to go to bed, he is patient enough to pick me up and make sure i've taken my medicines (which were prescribed to help me sleep). And afterwards when I'm a bit more calm but still unable to stay still (either shaking or fidgeting) he'll lay down beside me and hold my hands so i can't do anything. At first i fight because when I'm like that i feel that i MUST move. But when i regain a bit more of my mind i am thankful for the help.
By this time my medications are well on their way to working (I'm not asleep, but just near it).
This is where it gets hazy . . . *CAUTION TAKE CARE IN READING ON*
He slowly and softly (as not to wake me) begins to thrust and rub "himself" against either my leg or side (depending on how I'm laying). I'm aware it's happening and sometimes if I'm still able i'll push away or roll over. But that only stops him for a minute or so until he thinks I'm asleep again. He'll do this for a few minutes growing in intensity. Then if I'm laying on my side facing the wall he'll shift me over so that i lay on my back. He'll take my hand and place it on "himself" rubbing sometimes through his pajamas, sometimes bare. Then he'll begin to rub "me" sometimes through my pajamas sometimes he'll put his hand down them. Eventually "playing" with me thrusting with his fingers. I try to fight but my meds. make it impossible. Sometimes he'll stop here and go to his bed. But sometimes he doesn't. If not, he'll roll me over again so that I'm facing him, and he'll wrap my legs around his waist. And again he'll start thrusting harder and harder, he'll play and tongue my breasts and sometimes even start to pull down my panties.

The scary thing is, i've asked him about it multiple times. But he always tells me that i must have been having a dream, or that i began to initiate something and he stopped it. I'm fairly sure he hasn't lied to me before. Is it possible I'm imagining all of this, a mix of exhaustion and a cocktail of meds? It seems so real, am i crazy? What so i do? help me please anything please!