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Ryukyra · 03-10-2017, 08:14 AM

Hi Pi.R^2, thank you for the reply.

Yes, I have been to doctors and I've had to call 911 (or the equivalent european number) 4 times in the beginning. They all told me I have panic and anxiety disorder, and that the drug, being out of my system, is not a problem. I did countless tests and they all came out fine.

I've been on Xanax for almost 2 months now, starting with 0.75 a day and I am now taking half of that, which is about 0.325. It does seem like the condition is slowly kicking me back in the nuts as I reduce the dose, but I also feel much less numb, my brain feels much more "free", almost (but not quite) natural. It's the left part of my chest that is bothersome, as it seems to burn and tingle around heart area. I've grown accustomed to this feeling, but it's not a pleasure at all. I do want to slowly and completely eliminate the Xanax though, I am sure it will help me recover, since it is supposed to mainly help me "cope" and sleep at night.

This said, I know that recovery from this is a long and jumpy process, which is why I started uni in the first place (not to fall into depression, but obviously even because I wanted to, it was years I'd be saying I'd go back to uni and it was a good choice).

I tried to work and I was unable to, as I ended up panicking after two days due to my heart aching, or me perceiving it as aching, thus leading to some depression, since I, along with anybody else on this world, enjoy being active and productive.

Another issue is the perceiving of it: I am 90% sure that I feel physical symptoms, but I am not a medical professional and all medical professionals with whom I talk do not believe that there is anything wrong with me, although the tests are very superficial. They follow the standard procedures. I wouldn't know any better, so the question remains that maybe my mind is tricking my body into thinking "Omg, what's happening, I'm scared, heart please ache".

I know this sounds weird, but I've had many instances where I could almost control the aching, so it would make sense to think that there's some sort of evil magic going on, which I don't totally understand yet (and probably never will, since I wouldn't wish this happening to the biggest of my enemies).

It gets really scary when my left arm itches and tingles though. I'm accustomed to the general idea that it is one of the things you feel before an heart attack (which does not mean I tell myself I am having a heart attack, my psychologist gave me tools to work on this and they actually work), so I generally just get anxious and my heartrate goes up, it always seems to go down after a while though.

To answer to your last question, I do not batter myself up. The day after I did what I did I went running, the second day I went swimming, the third day I tried to go back to work. Of course it does cross my mind, the thought of "but what if I didn't ...", but I don't let it do its thing because I know by experience how unhelpful that is. It's just that I have these moments (and I think it's 'fair', considering my situation), where I feel discouraged and all I want to do is talk to somebody who cares about the human aspect of doing bullshit like this as well in life. The next day I wake up at 6am and go to uni though, I never skip or try to 'cheat', I am very much working hard to get out of it as you said, although sometimes I have to stop doing something (like yesterday), because I can't cope with the stress it brings (which would only be mild in normal situations) and I feel pressure in my head, as well as weird heart behavior that I honestly can't properly describe.

I hope this wasn't too long either, I don't wish to be the one only asking for support and not giving anything back, I just need people around me right now for this very difficult process to maybe go a lil bit faster and get back to my normal ambitions.

Have a great day!

03-10-2017, 08:14 AM	#3
Ryukyra Join Date: Oct 2017	Hi Pi.R^2, thank you for the reply. Yes, I have been to doctors and I've had to call 911 (or the equivalent european number) 4 times in the beginning. They all told me I have panic and anxiety disorder, and that the drug, being out of my system, is not a problem. I did countless tests and they all came out fine. I've been on Xanax for almost 2 months now, starting with 0.75 a day and I am now taking half of that, which is about 0.325. It does seem like the condition is slowly kicking me back in the nuts as I reduce the dose, but I also feel much less numb, my brain feels much more "free", almost (but not quite) natural. It's the left part of my chest that is bothersome, as it seems to burn and tingle around heart area. I've grown accustomed to this feeling, but it's not a pleasure at all. I do want to slowly and completely eliminate the Xanax though, I am sure it will help me recover, since it is supposed to mainly help me "cope" and sleep at night. This said, I know that recovery from this is a long and jumpy process, which is why I started uni in the first place (not to fall into depression, but obviously even because I wanted to, it was years I'd be saying I'd go back to uni and it was a good choice). I tried to work and I was unable to, as I ended up panicking after two days due to my heart aching, or me perceiving it as aching, thus leading to some depression, since I, along with anybody else on this world, enjoy being active and productive. Another issue is the perceiving of it: I am 90% sure that I feel physical symptoms, but I am not a medical professional and all medical professionals with whom I talk do not believe that there is anything wrong with me, although the tests are very superficial. They follow the standard procedures. I wouldn't know any better, so the question remains that maybe my mind is tricking my body into thinking "Omg, what's happening, I'm scared, heart please ache". I know this sounds weird, but I've had many instances where I could almost control the aching, so it would make sense to think that there's some sort of evil magic going on, which I don't totally understand yet (and probably never will, since I wouldn't wish this happening to the biggest of my enemies). It gets really scary when my left arm itches and tingles though. I'm accustomed to the general idea that it is one of the things you feel before an heart attack (which does not mean I tell myself I am having a heart attack, my psychologist gave me tools to work on this and they actually work), so I generally just get anxious and my heartrate goes up, it always seems to go down after a while though. To answer to your last question, I do not batter myself up. The day after I did what I did I went running, the second day I went swimming, the third day I tried to go back to work. Of course it does cross my mind, the thought of "but what if I didn't ...", but I don't let it do its thing because I know by experience how unhelpful that is. It's just that I have these moments (and I think it's 'fair', considering my situation), where I feel discouraged and all I want to do is talk to somebody who cares about the human aspect of doing bullshit like this as well in life. The next day I wake up at 6am and go to uni though, I never skip or try to 'cheat', I am very much working hard to get out of it as you said, although sometimes I have to stop doing something (like yesterday), because I can't cope with the stress it brings (which would only be mild in normal situations) and I feel pressure in my head, as well as weird heart behavior that I honestly can't properly describe. I hope this wasn't too long either, I don't wish to be the one only asking for support and not giving anything back, I just need people around me right now for this very difficult process to maybe go a lil bit faster and get back to my normal ambitions. Have a great day!
Ryukyra Join Date: Oct 2017