[yoyogirl]

Although these may seem like normal moods for some people due to circumstances and lifestyle etc. But for me feeling upset, angry or even happy can feel quite foreign to me. As I have hid how I felt for a long time and instead of being upset about something I have kept in it inside or only been let out when im on my own. The only person who has really seen my me at my worst when i have done things (too triggering and don't wish tipshare) is G.
He's covered up a lot of things for me in the past when i have been unwell and has been a bit like Mike Ehrmantraut from Breaking Bad.
My parents have only seen me be a bit pissed off or upset for ten minutes max and then I'm apparently "over it" like you get over a cold or sore throat and entire psychotic episode.
Neither are they helpful and i get lot of critisim from them. "Oh I wouldn't reacted that that way, I would of got over it in three seconds, I end up feeling like I am some wrongun person or that i am stupid/thick. They also tend to say "Oh i feel like most of the day," "Have you tried reading a book or going for walk?"
I'm like yeah i have tried that all the time but when I am not in good place to read a book or distractions or mindfullness it ain't gonna work. "oh its just your curent circumstances thats causing it, nothing to worry about just cope" How does it make any person with a mental health condition feel?
Utter bullshit.
"Perhaps you should try making new friends - friends don't not grow on trees/they are not tins of beans. i can't just walk to the colouring cafe or mental health social group and get chatting to people and instantly feel confident. I can manage the usual "good morning" but then anxiety kicks in and i end up legging it or being half interested in their boring conversations that don't go anywhere. If the groups were smaller say of five people. I could talk a bit more. It's not that I am scared of people, i have numerous daily conversations with the check-out girl in boots, i have the the confidence to speak about a product/service, ask directions and I know a lot of people in passing in the community. The ladies and gents in the library, the girl who does my nails and waxing. But when it comes to getting to know people and having long meaningful conversations, going further for coffees and shopping. My comfidence hits rock bottom. I have tried various ways to improve myself confidence losing weight, exercising, beauty regimes/fashion sense. Even positive thinking or listening to positive uplifting music. I would walk around town, go for long walks with r&b/hiphop tunes in my iphone and go on endless healthy eating plans. Believing that i would feel good about myself. But the uplifting feeling only lasts a hour or so. Then reality of my real mind kicks in and things go south for the rest of the day. i don't talk and carry on using my mac. I do this daily every day.

People at mental health aren't really helpful either all they seem to do is offer groups, activities and sports groups? I am like i have job now how the hell can magaically make this appear in my life and cope with that stress on top of university and work. Unless there's extra hours in the day, i don't know about or i have suddently grown a huge amount of confidence overnight.