Nothing that even closely resembling a human being now. Just empty blank eyes and no expressions. Ive never felt this low and without hope that I can recall. I hate that all I think about now is suicide because its wasted pointless energy. Even when I catch myself I come up the the wrong conclusion. I remind myself: either 'put up, or shut up'. How sick is that?!?! Its too late for me and I gasp at the idea of continuing existing like this for years until my time is up naturally. I hate life everyday and I'm so VERY tired and just want it over! Its just too late and was too late years and years ago I just didn't want to face it then. Now, its clear as a bell. Nobody would even know or care so I don't have to worry about that minor detail. I'm not loved or needed. Its alright though to be honest, I would want friends now, I don't like or trust people. I guess looking back there may have been a place where *I should've turned right instead of left*...but its doesn't matter anyway, nowhere to turn now. I'm far too damaged to ever recover enough to even make something really small of myself and find a way to feel content with something I accomplished. There just is no hope. Sometimes I wonder if I just blurted out my entire story would anybody actually give a **** anyway, I don't think so, so I don't bother to tell anybody anymore.
I think I just want out quietly at this point would be best.
|