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Voldemort · 10-10-2016, 07:13 PM

This has the potential to be long, so forgive me and thank you for reading it if you do.

I'm currently in hospital for what feels like the umpteempth time in the past 5 years. I've had problems with things going back to my teen years and I'm 27 now. For a good while, 7 or 8 years or so, things were consistently bad. I'd have a high for a bit, then a very prolonged (months) low with psychosis in various stages of severity throughout.

Then I moved here, to Ireland, where I was engaged in the mental health services, something that never happened in England. The first year was terrible, though my self harm decreased and almost stopped my psych had diagnosed me with BPD and basically refused to treat me. Then my first hospital admission came about in 2011 and his attitude seemed to changed. My mood was low, but lifted with meds and I was discharged and tried to get on with my life. The highs continued but the lows were at bay for a couple of months until the meds stopped working and I ended up in hospital again in 2012. Then I was started on lithium and the highs stopped, but the lows continued.

Basically, that has been the cycle since then. I get a few good months, maybe 3, then my mood starts to slip again as the meds stop working. I've tried CBT, DBT, psychology and counselling alongside the medication and nothing seems to work. I end up in depressive episodes for months and months on end and usually end up in hospital for 3+mths.

I mean, when can enough be enough? I've exhausted all the therapies available here and I've tried more medications than I care to think about. I'm currently stuck in hospital, tired and fed up and just wanting an end to the cycle now. Desperately suicidal with no way of ending it, threat of a section if I try to leave and not allowed out for walks on my own. When will they say enough is enough and just give up on me and let me go? Is it so far fetched to think that maybe this is terminal and sooner is best rather than to prolong the suffering?

Even the psychosis is creeping back in, though I'm not 100% sure whether it's real or not right now so I might just be cottoning on the system rather than being 'unwell' (oh how I hate that term).

The only thing that's vaguely helping is the self harm and even that is hard to do in here, though not impossible. I just want to go home and be surrounded by my creature comforts and my wife and my babies. I would even be willing to refrain from outright killing myself if I were allowed to cut myself to get through the days.

Sorry, I think this is very woe is me, but I'm at the end of my tether and I can't cope with this any more.

10-10-2016, 07:13 PM	#1
Voldemort Join Date: Mar 2005	When will they give up? This has the potential to be long, so forgive me and thank you for reading it if you do. I'm currently in hospital for what feels like the umpteempth time in the past 5 years. I've had problems with things going back to my teen years and I'm 27 now. For a good while, 7 or 8 years or so, things were consistently bad. I'd have a high for a bit, then a very prolonged (months) low with psychosis in various stages of severity throughout. Then I moved here, to Ireland, where I was engaged in the mental health services, something that never happened in England. The first year was terrible, though my self harm decreased and almost stopped my psych had diagnosed me with BPD and basically refused to treat me. Then my first hospital admission came about in 2011 and his attitude seemed to changed. My mood was low, but lifted with meds and I was discharged and tried to get on with my life. The highs continued but the lows were at bay for a couple of months until the meds stopped working and I ended up in hospital again in 2012. Then I was started on lithium and the highs stopped, but the lows continued. Basically, that has been the cycle since then. I get a few good months, maybe 3, then my mood starts to slip again as the meds stop working. I've tried CBT, DBT, psychology and counselling alongside the medication and nothing seems to work. I end up in depressive episodes for months and months on end and usually end up in hospital for 3+mths. I mean, when can enough be enough? I've exhausted all the therapies available here and I've tried more medications than I care to think about. I'm currently stuck in hospital, tired and fed up and just wanting an end to the cycle now. Desperately suicidal with no way of ending it, threat of a section if I try to leave and not allowed out for walks on my own. When will they say enough is enough and just give up on me and let me go? Is it so far fetched to think that maybe this is terminal and sooner is best rather than to prolong the suffering? Even the psychosis is creeping back in, though I'm not 100% sure whether it's real or not right now so I might just be cottoning on the system rather than being 'unwell' (oh how I hate that term). The only thing that's vaguely helping is the self harm and even that is hard to do in here, though not impossible. I just want to go home and be surrounded by my creature comforts and my wife and my babies. I would even be willing to refrain from outright killing myself if I were allowed to cut myself to get through the days. Sorry, I think this is very woe is me, but I'm at the end of my tether and I can't cope with this any more.
Voldemort Join Date: Mar 2005