zowie: You've got a lot going on. I know how important it is to have a good therapist to help you. I've had both and it can make a night and day difference. Is there anyway you can get another one? It sounds like you really need more support.
I relate to what you are saying about your partner. I have the same problems. It's so hard to not be able to hurt yourself when it's all you want to do. I think (this is from my own experience with my partner) that sometimes people like your partner ridicule you because they can't deal with the pain you are in. I think sometimes it scares them and they turn on you because they can't face it. At least I've found that to be true for me.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your mother's passing away. I don't have any experience with that but I do with grief and it is such a deep and hurting feeling. It's almost physical. Can you talk to anyone about your feelings for your mother?
I have felt the way you feel before and it sucks. Please don't give up. If it helps to write, keep on. Take care.
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