[zowie]

Hello. I've been a bit of a post-whore all over RYL recently, and I'm sorry. I just feel so desperate for support and I'm so confused where to turn.
Just sympathy is fine. As my partner said last night, I'm just an 'over-emotional attention-seeker'.

I have to stop injuring myself because my partner has made it clear that he will not tolerate it, and I don't want to loose him.

I am struggling to feel anything positive about myself, especially physically. I want to cut and burn myself all over, I want to starve myself.

I'm between meds, and being put on Mitazapine soon. I'm scared that the side effects include weight gain.

I want to turn to someone who will deal with me in a matter-of-fact way; my CW is too gentle and friend-like. It's hard to take her seriously, and I don't feel that she can offer me much except for coping-skills. Which I have never prospered from. I want to feel like I'm being taken seriously; I want someone to understand The Statue and not talk about it so casually (like she does). I want someone to help me make it go the **** away.

I want my partner to understand how awful I feel without ridiculing me. When I become too emotional he tells me I'm being too girly, and that I've changed. I don't feel I've changed, I feel like I have become more comfortable to express myself in front of him. Which might have been a mistake I suppose. He can be so supportive at times, but I think he just likes to believe that he is immune to emotions. It's starting to get to me that yes, I can turn to him, but he probably wont react (in most cases) the way I would like. (Eg. Being vicious and spiteful about self harm).

I keep having flashbacks to the night my mum died. I've started to think alot more strongly about things that I did so wrong before she died, feeling lonely and sad that she's not here and never will be. It's like, almost three years on it's hit me really hard.

If I can't get better, I want to die.