[Aubergine]

I saw a locum GP today to get some more painkillers as I self-harmed a couple of weeks ago and need them before dressing changes and when I am on my feet all day at work.


He asked what had happened and I told him. When I mentioned maybe needing the painkillers at work, he asked what I did. I told him I was a dispenser in a pharmacy at the hospital. He said "does work know about all of the medication you are on?" He said it in quite an accusatory manner.


It's really upset me. Does he mean that I shouldn't be around medication because I take medication? Does he think that I'm too mad to do a responsible job? What does he think? Am I too mad to do my job? Does being on the medications that I'm on make me a risk at work?


He asked if I was a suicide risk, which is fair enough given what I've done. He said he would give me a small amount of medication just in case. Then he started talking about getting daily medication. I get a months worth at a time of my regular medication and have NEVER taken more than prescribed. Not once.


My psychiatrist and care co-ordinator know what I do for a living. Wouldn't they have said something if they didn't think I was fit for purpose? I'm sure my manager would refer me to occupational health if she had any issues, and she has never done that. Work know everything pretty much.


I just feel all... Horrible. I'm not on a lot of medication compared to some people. I take three for mental health, one for side effects and two PRN for sleep and anxiety. I'd like to just go **** it and not take any, but that never ends well.