Nonny

Thank you very much for all your replies.

Ally83, it doesn't matter that you couldn't offer any advice, I just really appreciate the fact that you replied.

quautia, thank you for the suggestion, however the only thing I could probably legitamately complain about is the fact that they put me on a six month section with no next of kin consent and no court order. You have to have either of those to go ahead with the section legally. the rest ciuld easily be down to me, in that I have a happy, smiley front that people fail to see through and I don't know how to consciously let that defence down.

craola, East Anglia is the sticky outty bit in England, or alternatively, above London and to the right.

This is all going to get very complicated now (and also anyone who really knows me will know exactly who this is, but never mind).

At my GP surgery there are lots of GPs. I have seen most of them, but I have it in my head that they want to hurt and kill me. If I go and see them I have to take a 'tool' with me so that if they try to hurt me, I can kill myself first. the last tiem I got in contact with a GP I wrote a letter and explained it all. I am very much more able to communicate via letter because the happy, smiley front goes and I can be totally honest. I've never been more honest, and he did refer me to the CMHT, and off the back of that letter, they saw me, and then referred me back to my GP, who I can't even go and see anyway. They told me they didn't know what to do with me, or how to help me, and I had to tell them what to do (which is great given that THEy are the professionals), so I explained that I couldn't suggest anything because how can I suggest things to people who I think want to kill me, and make myself vulnerable to them. They didn't try to explore that, nor help me through it (I even explained that I didn't want to think those things, but I couldn't override the thoughts), they just said we don't want to kill you, and that was that.

Unfortunately, doing something drastic will be the only way to get help. I've been fighting for over 3 years to get some sort of help and support. I ended up getting myself a private therapist temporarily, but that went arse over tit. I used to go to hospital a couple of times a week for stitches or ODs, and each time saw the crisis team, but because I smiled, they said I was ok to go home (I'm like hello, it's a defense, can you not hear the words I'm saying and see what I have just done to myself?). If I do do something drastic it won't be a deliberate act of doing something to get help, it will be the fact that the self destructive part of me has just blown up because no one has been able to help me to get control of that part, and it has got control of me.

I was first signed off by occupational health, not my GP, I fought to be able to work,and they decided I wasn't fit to (I lost my job because of that), after that my Gp signed me off for three sets of 3 months, and then something benefitty happened so I don't need to be signed off anymore, I automatically get the benefits until I feel fit to work).

I don't think I could show my GP what's on here. They already know about my hand/arm and my thoughts and stuff, it's just going to be another attempt where I have made an effort only to be let down. I can't handle that right now, I'm on the egde as it is.

I originally had a diagnosis of depression, which then morphed to BPD. When I was in hospital they decided that there was absolutely nothing at all wrong with me, and all this was normal, the images, the commands, the psychosis, the whole lot. My GP reckons I need anti-psychotics and/or lithium, but the CMHT didn't mention anything about them and afre still sticking to the guns that I am fine. Also, because I went nearly five months cut free they think it's a choice that I cut, but I just have to follow the commands in my head. When I was going cut free I was restricting and also not taking medication for a physical condition which means that I was ill and on the verge off death, so when I started taking them again, I then carried out the images in my head to cut. But apparently this is all normal and happens to everyone :(

I agree about the crisis team, lol. They are useless. The last time I called them I washighly suicidal and their solution to that was to refer me to someone in eight weeks (which never came through because I had to move house out of the area). That was the first time I wrecked my arm, and ever since then I;ve carried on like that. That's why I am warey of phoning again, incase they make me worse again.

I have tried the samaritans before, and have come across some terrific people. Thanks for reminding me of that. It would take a lot of guts to call, but desperate times call for some desperate measures.

The other town is about 20 miles away, the nearest is about 10. I couldn't change surgeries though, all the surgeries that cover my area are run from the same base with the same doctors who rotate around, so there is no where else to register.

Thank you so much for all your replies :hug: all round