[dragonfly]

So the other day I found out I was pregnant for the second time. I do have a very active 2 and half year old already who is everything to me and wouldn't change him for anything. I also have an amazing partner who I would do anything for and vise versa.

I don't know how far I am for definite but working it out on a pregnancy calculator thing it says I'm about 9 weeks which is further than I would like to be.

Due to our current circumstances we both know it really wouldn't be viable keeping this baby. I would live it to be but I know that financially we would struggle to much and we knock we that our little boy needs us and our support a lot more now due to learning to talk and potty training. We feel that having a new baby just before his 3rd birthday would delay his development more than it is delayed already.

Just being pregnant for this short time has already affected him as I have lost my temper with him a lot more due to feeling so rough, which I didn't get when pregnant with him.

My big dilemma is that even though I know it really is the best thing for my little family I still want to be selfish and refuse to get rid of it and take the risk.

I'm not planning on changing my mind about it as I have spent the past few days mentally preparing myself to be able to go through with it.

I have read that sometimes it can take about 3 weeks for an actual appointment to get the deed done after your gp has referred you which I don't know if I could really handle. If it was that long it would basically take me to the second trimester.

My biggest of all fears though of it all is how it will affect me. I have work really hard at dealing with my mental health issues and have been really good with it all for about 5 years now. I'm am so scared that doing this would be enough to bubble it all over again.