[Truth&OtherDisasters]

Hi everyone...This is about my issues with going to sleep properly. It will probably sound silly compared to a lot of the topics on this forum, but I will still try. it's been...5 years I guess, since what I was r**ed.
A lot has happened since, and I have done a lot to recover, and I do believe I am managing okay considering. However...
I'm a bit "stuck" with the next step.

I have...When I was going through the worst of what happened I couldn't sleep because of nightmares. I would wake multiple times from them, even be nauseous and throw up often, it was that intense. I am also really not proud of the person I became when I was first starting to deal with it, it was the complete opposite of all I believe in and it made me feel like a really bad person. So I was kinda losing myself...And to get to sleep better, I ended up taking my laptop in bed and watching series every night, until I am sleepy enough.
..
And now no matter how much better I claim to be, I feel reluctant and I find it impossible to start going to bed without it. It's like my safety blanket, I let my mind watch and that is what I think of when going to sleep. I also have anxiety issues, and I worry that if I stop I won't be able to fall asleep, or that I will spend hours thinking about problems before finally drifting to sleep. I can't seem to let this go. I'm not even sure I want to. It's comfortable. It's my crazy way of disengaging myself from worrying if I'll ever regain some parts of myself.
I don't want to complain. I have a good life now. But I do want those parts of myself., and I feel like losing the hope of getting them will be horrible. Like I'll never be fully me otherwise. I don't know how to deal with this. I know part of why I'm not fully okay may be spending so much time tying to lose myself in watching instead of using this time to find myself again. But it's so hard to let this go, I get so irrationally anxious about it. My life has a lot of pressure as well, and I still don't feel good enough. Thankfully most of the flashbacks and nightmares are over with and I can handle that pressure...But I'm afraid that if I leave myself breathing room it will all come back to me. All that happened. The way I acted after. All the ways in which I screwed up. I just got some of my faith back, and I am so scared that something so simple and silly as this may completely unravel me if I do it...

In all likelyness, it will be okay. In all likeliness, the worst that will happen will be sleeping badly for a week or a month and then having more freedom and sleeping actually better. But I am so afraid I can't even get myself to try.
I did recovery, and therapy, I did my fights with my past, I dug what I can dig, and closed some doors, and I can't have them open again. Not now. And if that does happen I know it will take priority over all else and I can't have that happen.