Thanks X
It's almost 6 months since I took and overdose and over 6 since I cut myself. I'm not as bad as I was or have been. Even though I feel normal people keep treating me like I'm more depressed than I feel. Saw an mht person yesterday who was reticent to push me towards finding work again. Just told me to take it easy and try to do things I enjoy. I told him I need a push. He said he's not good at pushing.
I should grow up. I'm ****ing old enough for gods sake.
Years ago if dream of suicide and imagine all the faces at my funeral hoping to see what they said about me and if they really liked me. Now when I dream of it I don't care what they say anymore I just care about the damage I'd do and trying to find the perfect time or place. (I know this does not exist)
I've failed myself so badly all my life. I have nothing for my parents to be proud of. I'm never spoken of. I have no family to show them and time is running out.
The angry voice that followed me for years isn't there now either. Now the voice is calm and reasoning. It undoes all I want or need or like. And I believe it Cus it makes sense. It's not nasty to me anymore but it's not nice either. However, I trust it more tha. I trust anything or anyone else.
Sorry for the waffle. I suck I know and I'm just craving attention too.
I've been here long enough to know better. Dunno where else to go though or who else to tell. Not for the fact I have no one to tell because I do. It just that they've heard it a hundred times before and I know they hate it.
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