I think I know what you mean. I say it like that because it seems glib to say 'I know exactly what you mean', as of course I don't. But if I've understood you correctly this sounds very familiar. I'm constantly second guessing things and looking for cues from other people, even people I don't know who just happen to be on the train platform with me or serving me in a shop or whatever. Even when I'm feeling good because I think 'maybe I did something well there', I'm always aware that I don't feel I can entirely trust my feelings and perceptions, and maybe I'm kidding myself. After all, if when I'm feeling terrible about myself I try to remember that "you're not that bad, it's because you've got a problem", well shouldn't that work both ways?
I don't know if any of that makes sense and I worry its not particularly useful either way. But I'm just pleased to hear that someone else (I think) has the same kinds of experiences, and maybe if so then in my cackhanded way I can help you feel that too.
Love x
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