[CupsofTea]

it's something that has been bugging me. I'm 24 now, having been cutting for over ten years. I don't wanna be a 30 year old cutter. You don't see adultier adults with scars... or at least i haven't. Is it because we succumb to suicide?

I always told myself I'd kill myself by 23 if I weren't better. Hurt, pain, grief, disappointment, never being good enough, failing, so much fighting with no breaks or victories. The "happy" moments aren't worth it. I truly want to be dead, to give up caring and pretending. to just give it all up. give up with the coping mechanisms. just die and get it over with. Thing is, because i don't go attempting suicide left righta nd center and I'm "logical" no body listens. it's my own fault. I get up, go to my part time job, sleep. even when in my deepest depression and eating disorder i was functional. somehow. they say I'm a "survivalist", "stubborn", an "odd" one.

It's too much, too confusing, too wordy. maybe I'm just complicating everything, pretending. Who or what is the real me? the self harming, restricting and purging adult or the tiny broken 4 year old who waits so that one day things will be better? I don't feel 24. I feel 16. Life is wasting away and before I know it, I might even be a 30+ year old covered in scars still stuck as a 16 year old.

I don't know what I want from this. Just to get out some of these thoughts because they feel weird and they make so much sense but they are confusing as well. Nobody does anything because I don't go (or rarely) through with anything with suicide. But it doesn't mean the reality of the distress isn't there. Don't even know if I want somebody to do anything. I just hate being this weird functional mentally ill woman who can't not do anything but can't do everything everyone else can. I don't wanna be a 30 year old self harmer / eating disorder victim / whatever. I just don't want to be anymore.