My team used to refer to my thoughts as intrusive thoughts even though they are almost never about violence.
I tend to find descriptions of intrusive thoughts that are more akin to what I experience when I search also for OCD. I don't have OCD but I can relate its descriptions of ruminations and intrusive thoughts more so than other descriptions of intrusive thoughts.
I hear you struggling. Do you have any self soothing activities that might get you out of your head for a little bit? Things like playing puzzle games or colouring in help me. I play little number games when thoughts are bothering me like I will count to 100 in prime factors (1, 2, 3, 2x2, 5, 2x3) or do an A-Z shop in my head. Anything that isn't particular difficult but requires a little concentration.
We don't think you are a bad person. Hope you are ok.
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