Thank you guys for responding.
I've been ill most this week after a suicide attempt. I did end up in hospital for it, but once I was able to move, I left. I didn't want treatment. Was surprised they let that happen, that they didn't send police to find me or something, but according to my cpn, if you agree to go in, which seems to be "if you're not detained or sectioned", then you can leave when you want, even if you're talking about suicide and wanting to die.
tiptoes: I don't really know what team is. The only person on my side is my support worker, and he's just had to give a letter of notice that I have two months to vacate the flat I'm in, even though he knows that's going to screw with my head. He kept saying that it's just a formality and it doesn't mean anything bad, but I can't help it.
I don't know what I want from sessions. I can't think properly anymore beyond "help, just please help me". I try and give them want they want, I try and talk, but they say it's not enough. CPN said that no service will work with me because I'm not talking and I'm not giving enough. It's really hard though. I'm trying, it's just really, really hard. I don't need him threatening to not give me any help. That's making it harder.
Attention to me right now means help. I want help, and I want them to care and to keep in touch, and not leave huge gaps between speaking to me because it makes me feel like they don't care and I'm just a task to them, and they can't wait to be rid of me. It also means I want someone to "hold my hand" through this. I always hated that saying, but I don't know how else to put it. I don't want to go to things alone, I don't want to be dealing with things alone. I don't want to be passed on or abandoned.
It feels like I'm wanting or expecting too much from some people, but I need it right now. I haven't in the past, and hopefully once I get through this point I can manage on my own again, but right now I'm too much on the edge to cope.
mikey: My support worker is good for this. He understands that I'm quiet, I don't shout or swear or lash out, and that's not because I'm "in control". Sometimes the quieter I am, the more out of control or unstable I am. He's very good, I feel, at noticing things when others don't. Probably because they don't care to notice. But the nhs people, they seem to think that you need to be shouting, swearing, threatening people and crap like that to be "serious"... or whatever word they might use. "unstable"? Or maybe other people can sell themselves better than I can. SW knows some of things that have happened, or has an idea, so he knows why I close up when things aren't going well. He knows when I'm getting scared, and he can see when things are too much, but for some reason other people (nhs/cpn) don't know these things, and I can't communicate much when it's happening, and when I try to explain when I can communicate, they don't seem to listen.
I really, really need help. I need them to do something, and my SW understands this, and he's trying to make them understand too, but I don't think they will. They're making things too hard to deal with.
I'm sorry, don't know how much I rambled, hope something made sense.
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