The reason I want to not be on meds is because I feel like if my relationship with God was where it needed to be, I wouldn't be having these problems. And I know that isn't always the case. I also know that no matter how hard I try, I can't fix myself. I can't be okay just because I want to be. But it's a standard I've set for myself. I don't expect other people to have my same standards, but that has been my thought process for years, that I shouldn't need them. That I should be okay and that being on meds makes me weak. I know that those things aren't necessarily true, I know that in my head, but someone very important to me told me that once and it has always stuck.
That counselor was the second one I've tried. Its hard to find Christian counseling in my area, that I can afford to go to. I can't use insurance to help pay for it because my parents can't know I'm going. I'm a broke college student with a part time job, I don't have the money for expensive counseling or even a bunch of doctor visits to get meds.
But I know I need help. I need help now, cause I've gotten back into SHing. I really just feel like I need someone to talk to, that I don't feel I have to hide things from.
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