[finding.my.wings]

When i was younger like 19... when i was first diagnosed they said to me that with time and age ill learn the necessary skills and recover. that was almost 8 years ago. I still self harm... still overdose.... still have highs and lows.... still have emotions i cant control.....still feel numb and empty and worthless alot of the time.

theres a girl in my therapy group whos a year or so younger then me with the same disorder....shes getting better.

i dont know why im not there yet, i dont know if ill ever get there (better/ recovered).... maybe just maybe ill live in recovery for the rest of my life and ill have an Achilles heel of self destruction... and maybe i wont.

thats what concerns me... the maybe i wont part- theres no guarantee that life will get better, that ill finish my degree and move on with life, that ill marry and have a family, a home, a career...... its all unknown.

Currently im not living.... ive been fooling myself for a while now but ive realized that im barely existing.

maybe lifes not for me, maybe all this fighting isnt worth it because me recovering is a joke. Its highly possible that this is as good as it will ever get. Ill remain worthless, hopeless, lonely, sad, self destructive.

my options are fight what seems a never ending battle and hold on to those glimmers of hope or take the cowards way out.