Thank you for the hugs and the kind words of support.
I am generally not a happy person, but one that's always reflecting, lives more on the inside and, most of the time, that feels like just being sad all the time. Sad with intermissions of true depression. These feelings are so strong and deeply rooted that I'm fairly certain that there's a genetic element to them.
I am in this battle all day about 350 days of the year.
A few years ago I took Wellbutrin for my depression and it helped but a lot has happened since then. By "a lot" I mean loosing two of the most important people in my life, my mother and my fiancee from the time (the girl I mentioned), my job, pretty much everything...all within a window of a few months.
In the last few months my therapist has tried Efectin on me, which was terrible and made me sleep through days at a time and again, when I told her about my previous experience, Wellbutrin that doesn't seem to be working nowhere near as good as it used to, if at all.
The only thing that offers a real change in how I feel is Rivotril (Clonazepam) but my therapists said that I have to get off of that and that it probably contributed to how I feel right now. Clonazepam was prescribed to me when I had stomach acid problems but when I noticed the mood changes, I started jacking up the dosage and when I finally went for help again few months ago I was taking more than the maximum dosage allowed. I am currently gradually lowering the dosage.
I feel so drained and tired that I often sit at my sofa and think how, if I did what I felt like doing, I would just curl up into a fetal position in this corner that I see from the sofa and never get up.
As I mentioned in the introduction thread you would never guess it because of my appearance. I do look like a mob boss or at least a criminal of some kind
but I've never been that way. That's why almost every person that has seen me and then meets me reacts the same when when we start talking - shocked by who and what I am. Not a bounty hunter, bodyguard or a drug dealer but a published translator of poetry...
Anyway, I am currently just pushing through and doing the things that need to be done, like facing a fear of driving that I developed by taking some extra lessons and getting a car. That was a huge deal for me, it's emasculating being the 200 pound muscular guy that doesn't drive.
I am doing this and taking care of my business but with extreme effort and no satisfaction. As I said, I am pushing through until it hopefully becomes better...
Thanks again