I know how scary it feels to be in the middle of uni work, to be behind and on top of that to feel utterly depressed and hopeless and like things can never change.
But we're all on the outside of your situation, so we can see things objectively. I can see you battling between wanting to get better and wanting to die. And your core belief that you can't talk about things with a therapist is the main hindrance to your recovery, because it makes you think nothing can possibly get better.
Morpheus said everything I was trying to say in a better way. Your therapist's email makes a lot of sense, if you meet her regularly with goals to work towards then you will start to make progress even if you go at a snails pace.
If you're at this point of being suicidal and in crisis, then clearly you don't have anything to lose now. You're at the bottom and so the only way is up. So why not just give it a try? Do what your therapist says? Plus if your mum knew how desperate you felt then I'm sure she'd give you the $14 a week for therapy, because that's nothing in comparison to her daughter being dead.
I know how overwhelming it all feels. But it doesn't have to be this way and you CAN change it.
Can you use some coping skills right now to deal with the thoughts? Have you done DBT skills? When I have bad suicidal urges and they scare the **** out of me I remind myself that nothing bad can happen to me without me acting on those thoughts. My arms wont just independently cause me harm, and so it boils down to me just not acting on them. At times that feels like a big ask, but then I remember that urges come and go in waves. If you 'sit with' the urges and thoughts then they will come to a peak and then recede- and then you learn that nothing bad happens if you don't act on them!
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