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Fred! · 09-01-2015, 10:40 PM

I find that I kind of like hospital. I feel safer there, and I don't get the urges so much. I don't particularly want to do something to end my life but if I ruined my liver, or something like that, I wouldn't be too fussed. I've been calling it 'passively suicidal' for ages, and someone used that phrase the other day as well.
I know that the ODing hurts my family, and I know I'm not really taking that much. I try to take more and my body refuses. rofl...

People say to go to A&E before I end up taking something but there's no point here. I haven't actually tried it but when my brother did it, he stayed in over night and then they sent him on his way.

I just want to damage myself. I live in the hope that one day I'll end up dying, I just don't want to take that step.

I've decided I'm not going to go into hospital next time I OD. I don't really take that much anyways, the Parvolex makes me throw up loads because the anti-sickness stuff doesn't work. I will just stay at home and be sick and then they won't know, and my community team won't find out and have a go about it. Everyone will think I'm doing great.

When I was discharged yesterday, the Dr came over and said 'you were here in mid-December weren't you? I thought I recognised the name.' then he asked me if I'd seen on the news about the hospital being in an emergency state on and off loads the last few weeks, and I said I knew. He asked me why, if I knew about the situation, I had still done it! I was like 'I tried not to' and he said 'ok'. Then he asked why I'm not engaging with the community services. I didn't bother to try explain to him that I've tried and tried and now only seen the new person 3 times and it's not like I can just stop ODing.
He then went into the corridor and was talking to someone about me laughing at the questions. I was laughing nervously because my anxiety was through the roof with knowing I'd have to get a bus to go home. I took huge offence at that as well, cos he didn't see me during the night when I was desperate to hide in the bathroom and cut. Or when I was literally sitting on my hands to stop myself pulling the cannula out of my arm while the treatment was going in.
I left the hospital suicidal. Praying for the bus to crash, then when I got off the bus in the city, because I had to get the bus to meet dad to take me home. I was desperate to buy as many tablets as possible and could hardly focus. Thankfully my friend was really calm and just kept talking and persuaded me not to go back into poundland and buy the tablets. She got me to just get a move on and meet dad. But it was difficult.

I'm not sure whether to report the Dr in question. What he said made me 100 times worse. I don't remember his name but it should be somewhere on the paperwork. The nurses were all lovely.

Really tired and feel so unsupported. My case manager doesn't reply to texts, and my old online counsellor isn't replying to my emails either.
I've just started going to church again after a 2 year break, and they're nice, but they're not professionals. My GP is just fed up. lol. She says she doesn't know how to help me.

09-01-2015, 10:40 PM	#6017
Fred! Jesus loves me, however much I don't <3 Join Date: Mar 2011 I am currently:	I find that I kind of like hospital. I feel safer there, and I don't get the urges so much. I don't particularly want to do something to end my life but if I ruined my liver, or something like that, I wouldn't be too fussed. I've been calling it 'passively suicidal' for ages, and someone used that phrase the other day as well. I know that the ODing hurts my family, and I know I'm not really taking that much. I try to take more and my body refuses. rofl... People say to go to A&E before I end up taking something but there's no point here. I haven't actually tried it but when my brother did it, he stayed in over night and then they sent him on his way. I just want to damage myself. I live in the hope that one day I'll end up dying, I just don't want to take that step. I've decided I'm not going to go into hospital next time I OD. I don't really take that much anyways, the Parvolex makes me throw up loads because the anti-sickness stuff doesn't work. I will just stay at home and be sick and then they won't know, and my community team won't find out and have a go about it. Everyone will think I'm doing great. When I was discharged yesterday, the Dr came over and said 'you were here in mid-December weren't you? I thought I recognised the name.' then he asked me if I'd seen on the news about the hospital being in an emergency state on and off loads the last few weeks, and I said I knew. He asked me why, if I knew about the situation, I had still done it! I was like 'I tried not to' and he said 'ok'. Then he asked why I'm not engaging with the community services. I didn't bother to try explain to him that I've tried and tried and now only seen the new person 3 times and it's not like I can just stop ODing. He then went into the corridor and was talking to someone about me laughing at the questions. I was laughing nervously because my anxiety was through the roof with knowing I'd have to get a bus to go home. I took huge offence at that as well, cos he didn't see me during the night when I was desperate to hide in the bathroom and cut. Or when I was literally sitting on my hands to stop myself pulling the cannula out of my arm while the treatment was going in. I left the hospital suicidal. Praying for the bus to crash, then when I got off the bus in the city, because I had to get the bus to meet dad to take me home. I was desperate to buy as many tablets as possible and could hardly focus. Thankfully my friend was really calm and just kept talking and persuaded me not to go back into poundland and buy the tablets. She got me to just get a move on and meet dad. But it was difficult. I'm not sure whether to report the Dr in question. What he said made me 100 times worse. I don't remember his name but it should be somewhere on the paperwork. The nurses were all lovely. Really tired and feel so unsupported. My case manager doesn't reply to texts, and my old online counsellor isn't replying to my emails either. I've just started going to church again after a 2 year break, and they're nice, but they're not professionals. My GP is just fed up. lol. She says she doesn't know how to help me.
	Death is one moment, and life is so many of them. Don't look forward to the day you stop suffering, because when it comes you'll know you're dead. ~ Tennessee Williams I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. I'm actually a girl. My nickname was given by a friend and stuck ;)