[ChrisG]

Good job I did make the appointment.

Had a terrible meeting this morning where I got a right going over and really had to defend myself on a work matter/technical point (I was right and sort of got my own way), but it left me feeling really stressed and attacked and wound up. Actually tried to harm at work at lunchtime for the first time, but I didn't have anything "suitable" and wasn't able to calm myself. Felt a mess all afternoon - couldn't concentrate and flitted from one job to another and left early to go to the doc's.

I actually saw her last week for a med review and she was really happy and said she'd see me in september so she could tell something was wrong straightaway. Described all the #### I've been up to over the last week and the fact that I've SHd more in the last 4 days than the previous 3-4 months, the fact that it's getting worse, I've got new, specific, tools and so on. She wants to see me again on Monday now!! 2 steps forward and one back, or one forward and two back?

She's now worried that the surgery counsellers won't touch me while I'm harming and that I've got to go back to the CMHT. I just want to see somebody dammit. I'm not cutting because I want to wait longer ffs.

Anyway. I will NOT let myself SH tonight. I won't.




...Hopefully.