These are trust issues between you and your husband and essentially has nothing to do with her. The moment you feel the need to read each others messages etc. There is an issue relationships are build on trust and doing that breaks the trust. You also have a right to privacy in a relationship abd ventibg to someone isnt always s vad tjing, even an ex as that may alliw you to get thw anger and frustrations out and then be able to bring up the problems in a constructive manner. It can also help telling spmeone so they can make you aware og different ways to look at the situation. I have a male friend whom i often talk things through and he helps me figure out if what i feel is irrational or justified and sometimes getting it out to someone outside is enough to really make the fristration go away or otherwise help me find out if it comes from other things rather than how he puts the roll of toilet paper on the wrong way or something else equally silly. I find it helps our relationship to have someone to talk to, to realise im being silly or unfair as not everything that annoys me will be brought up as a problem to discuss and solve.
You say you know reading his messages is wrong yet you kinda justify it as "just couldnt help myself" im sorry to say, but yes you could. Your actions is your responsibility and when you became insecure you did it again, in spite of knowing it was wrong. If you dont trust your husband enough not to do this you have a problem in your relationship. And you need to work and discuss that.
I was in a relationship where it vecame "normal" to read everything the other wrote to their friends etc. It was a very controlling, abusive etc relationship and he lied about everything and read everything private i wrote. He also wrote to another woman how he was going to break up with me to ve with her, marry her, called her and wrote her behind my back and lied about it. He was allowed to hive his phone number to women when going out where i was not even allowed to talk to a man. I wasnt allowed to go on the internet without him watching me. By the end i couldnt do anything without his permission, have friends because he was jealous of even my female friends and i wasnt allowed to talk to my family without him listening. He even showed up unannounced to check on me the few times i went out with friends and stayed home from school if a girlfriend or my sistee came over. Even my diary i used to write my thoughts in for myself was no longer private. He also made me jealous with all hos lies which was something i didnt like in myself at all and wasnt when i entered the relationship. However he admitted to making an effort to make me jealous as in his screwed up world, if i wasnt jealous i didnt live him. However when i became jealous after him causing it purposely, he blamed me for it. It was absolutely horrible to be in and you dont wanba go there. It also quickly turned very violent and has left me with ptsd.
The relationships ive been in since there have been no jealousy or need to read each others messages though no trying to hide things either. My boyfriend gladly lends me his phone or the other way around and he hands me it to show things in fb and trusts i dont snoop which i dont and feel no need to. Sometimes i have insecurites but thats due to low self esteem and is solved by him reassuring me which he gladly does.
So for me, when i read how you do this, it sets off alarm bells cause it is an indicator that spmething i really off about trust. Also putting up limitations for each other in yoyr marriage isnt really a good thing either. You will end up bitter for all the tjings you are not allowed to do.
To me it seems quite jealoys too. Yes he let some steam out to this girl but he hasnt really lied to you at all. And he may say he wants ti go camping alone with her and sometimes think it could be nice. That diesnt mean he has any intentions if doing so though. People day dream together all the time and it might as well be a need to get away from everything (including you) for a bit and her being his best friend, its natural for him to feel the need to do so with her. Also, just because he feels the need to see her without you on a bar for example, doesnt mean he has any intentions of cheating or having romantic feelings for her. Dont you ever feel the need to see your friends without your husband around? I think you are putting far too much into her being his ex if you saw her only as being his best friend (which it seems like is the only way he sees her) you would probably feel different.
Tbh i think the problem is mainly in you and your jealousy. You need to stop reading his messages. You CAN help it. Ypu are responsible of your actions. You chose to do it again. I think you really need to start communicating. Tell him your insecurities without blaming him and eirhout expecting him to end contact with her. He isnt cheating or lying, seems like the main thing you essentially blame him for is the fact that his best friend is his ex. But as they are no more than that it is irrational feelings for you to have. If you dont like the way he talks about you then focus on that rather than her. Simply say youd like him to be more respectful in the way he talks of you. That doesnt have anything to do with her either. He was likely to talk the same way, had his friend been male. Its as if her being his ex, makes things far worse and things ypu normally wouldnt be bothered about unacceptable.
My current boyfriend still talks to former lovers and i have no issue with it at all. I trust he wants to be with me and if i or he feel insecure we talk about it. But it is a feeling from within, not caused by anything the other does and should be dealt with as that. Not by him or i, demanding not to talk to certain people in their lives.
You are going down a slippery slope it seems and you need ti take responsibility for what you have done and communicate deal with it. But not by setting up limitations on each other.
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