[trechu]

I have a diagnosis of BPD and started self harming at the age of 13 (I'm 26 now). From the ages of 17 to 23, I spent most of my life in hospital, often sectioned. I also spent time on medical wards, having surgery or other medical procedures as a result of my self harm. I never saw myself stopping, I only saw things continuing to get worse, and I was told several times that if I continued what I was doing, I would end up dead.

Almost 3 years ago now, I found out that my psychiatrist of almost 8 years was leaving. In true BPD fashion, I disengaged from mh services while continuing to hurt myself badly and regularly presenting to A&E for medical treatment. I was determined not to end up back in hospital though, so I never pushed things to the point where I might get sectioned again, although I was still very ill (physically and emotionally). Then 2 years ago, I met a guy on an online mh forum (not this one!) and we eventually started dating. Again, in true BPD fashion, I continued to hurt myself, both to see if it would drive him away and because I felt like I didn't deserve to be in a relationship with such a nice guy.

I was a total mess, and I also had this thing about turning 25 (basically I didn't want it to happen) so I attempted suicide quite a few times that year (one time I was so out of it, I went online and told someone who called an ambulance, another time my landlord happened to look through my window and saw me collapsed on the floor, and a few times I just woke up a day or 2 later with a fuzzy head). I turned 25, and a few days later I attempted suicide again. It didn't work, but when I woke up, I found myself struggling to breathe and feeling very dizzy. I was anaemic at the time, so I put it down to a combination of that and anxiety as I figured what I'd done had worn off by then. It continued getting worse for a few days, to the point where I could barely stand and was getting chest pain. I had a GP appointment scheduled that week, so figured I could wait it out until then. The day of my appointment came, and I realised I couldn't walk the very short distance from the bus stop to my GP surgery, so got a taxi there. I walked into her, she took one look at me and called an ambulance. It turns out it wasn't anxiety or anaemia or a result of my suicide attempt. I had a blood clot in each of my lungs that was stopping blood circulating around my body properly, and by the time I got to A&E I couldn't breathe without oxygen. They told me if I'd waited any longer then I could have died. I'd heard those words before, but they'd always been as a result of my actions, something I chose. Realising I could have died without trying somehow felt completely different. It was then that I decided that I wanted to live.

It didn't just happen though. I continued self harming, but it slowly started becoming less frequent. I agreed to see a psychologist again, and this time I was seeing her for me - not because someone else forced me to or because I didn't want to disappoint people, but because I really wanted to get better and to start living my life. I applied the skills she taught me, I challenged myself, I reached out to people, I stepped outside my comfort zone. All on my own I found and applied to a mh centre that offers groups and support and social activities, and I've been going to that for a few months. I got engaged in July, and my fiancé moved in with me in September.

I haven't hurt myself in almost 6 months now, which has never happened before. I don't count days though, because my focus isn't on the absence of self harm, it's on living my life the way I want to. And that's what I'm doing. I'm interacting with people, learning new skills, living with and planning to marry an incredibly supportive guy, thinking about children in the not-too-distant future. I am managing my anxiety, and doing things in spite of it. I am learning that there are people out there who can be trusted, and the ones who can't don't matter anyway.