Oh sweetie you sound like you're at the end of your tether. Please try and talk to someone, a Doctor would be a good start, I think you should ask for an emergency apt or go to A n E it's worrying that you seem like you've given up.
I know its hard when the distressing thoughts wont go away. I'm not going to say it will get better because you've heard it all before, and even though it probably will its hard to believe and even consider as its NOW you need things to be okay.
If your support worker/counsellor is going to be off I suggest asking to see another member of the team. Tell them its urgent there should always be a duty worker on who might be able to help you.
Maybe if your friends/bf knew how desperate you are feeling they might be able to support you more? I know that a hug and a shoulder to cry on sometimes helps more than any advice from someone you've never met.
Could you start by taking baby steps to feel better? Eat regularly, try to get into a sleep routine, think of ANYTHING to distract yourself even for a few minutes. I know I can't offer any practical advice so I'm sorry.
Keep posting on here, if nothing else it might help you get things out and if someone replies you might see things in a different way. I don't want you to die. I don't want you to have to go through that pain and fear. I am certain that ANYONE you asked would say they would rather you were alive.
Please speak to a Doctor. Please ask for more help.
Gemx x
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