Thanks all.
I am trying to be logical today but I keep worrying that my tutor and lecturer etc are gossiping about how dumb I am behind my back.
It seems these days that at uni, your intelligence is measured by your marks. I am intelligent, but not uner pressure. Under pressure I go mad.
Last night I was ready to do something horrendous to mysef (won't describe it here as it might be triggering to some) but my olanzapine kicked in and I managed to sleep in the end.
I will try to not base myself too much on my marks. I am just scared of the gossiping that is going on.
One of my support workers will be coming to my house today, I'll ask him if he can be present while I take the quiz so that I don't hurt myself afterwards.
If I break down just at a revision quiz, I am really wondering if I will cope with the end of term test, or even the exam.
I have difficulties with biochemistry, I keep forgetting bits and having to remind myself.
I am hoping that my tutor and lecturer won't see my mark so that they won't gossip. But I think that my tutor will be checking it as he is making sure I do all the quizzes and tests this year.
I was up until 23:30 last night reading my notes. Now I get up early and I am going to attempt to read more.
I just worry that the more I study, the higher the mark I should get, and that if I do really badly, it means that I'm too stupid to respond to studying.
Really, the only reason I haven't committed suicide yet is because I am clever. When there is evidence to the contrary, I start considering suicide.
But really, will people think I'm clever still if I get 30% in the quiz?
I can understand you saying self-punishment is bad, but the voices tell me I deserve all of it.
I will try to revise calmly today and I will ask my support worker to supervise me to keep me safe.
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