Hello Becca,
I'm glad you felt able to return here for support. Well done for reaching out.
The first thing I will say is this; you CAN allow yourself to be ill and you ARE worthy of asking for help. I think it's worth remembering that asking for help when you need it is actually a positive thing. Yes, it can seem negative when you feel like you are reliant on MH services or hospitals but it shows you're taking responsibility for yourself and taking steps to keep yourself safe.
I'm glad you're still in the IOP programme and that you're finding it helpful - even just keeping you alive right now. Are there any members of staff you can speak to about all this? It might help to let them know what's going on for you right now.
It is good that you can recognise that deep down you want to live - but that doesn't automatically stop all your behaviours, but it's a good starting point.
Even though things seem to have hit a wall, it's still amazing that you made it five years without self-harm and two without ED behaviours! You should be really proud of that. Relapsing doesn't take that away from you. You made it that far once, and you can again, even if it seems hopeless right now. You CAN do it, I'm sure of it. You're a strong person, even if you don't feel it right now.
I hope the anti-biotics clear the infection up. Do you think you could use this as a marking point that you don't want to keep putting your body through this?
I know it can seem easy to drink to block out everything, but try to remember that alcohol is a depressant and will only help with things briefly - even before you add in the tablets you're on. It's good you weren't drinking over the summer - do you think there was something that helped with you not doing it? Perhaps there is something you could implement from now on?
Do you think, ignoring the input from friends/family or the worry about it becoming a revolving door, that being inpatient again would genuinely help you? By that I mean would it allow you to learn some skills to stop yourself being inpatient again? Or would it allow you to put a crisis plan or action plan in place? Do you think hiding your depression like that is helpful to you? Sometimes when you repress something so much it just means it comes back even stronger.
Have you tried doing pros/cons lists for things like SH or drinking etc? Sometimes having something like that stuck somewhere obvious can help just bring your mind back to a place where you're thinking about consequences rather than the short relief.
You have no reason to feel guilty for needing help. Try to think of it this way; wouldn't your family/friends etc prefer you got help rather than hurting yourself or rather than them losing you? I would always say that getting help before anything happens is doing them more of a favour than hiding it and getting to the point of self-destruction. It sounds like, from the comments you've said, that the people around you don't fully understand mental illness and how much help you might need right now. This misunderstanding can make you feel guilty for 'putting them through it' etc, but that doesn't mean it's right. You deserve any help you think you need.
It IS okay to admit you're unwell. It IS okay to ask for help. It IS okay to say you've had enough. They are all okay, as long as you don't give up completely. Try to use these admissions to get the support that will stop you reaching this point again.
I hope this made sense.
x x x
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