Yeah, i'm ok. It just really reinforced my feeling of being worthless. It did help to talk to my mum. It was just that i was already scared of going outside today and i really didn't need this to happen. But i'm not going to stay inside because of some idiot. Most of the people around here are ok and just let me be, i'm not going to let one idiot ruin it for me.
Thanks for asking if i'm ok btw.
Emma, you are quite right that i'm now in a very different place to where i used to be. In many ways i have gotten to know myself and my illness a lot better. It has just shaken me up that i still had this need for destruction within me when something like this has happened.
I was so sure i could cope with a rejection but i'm not really handling it very gracefully :/ I also hit the bottle a few times because of it. Which in turn makes me feel all sorts of pathetic.
I guess the romantic rejection has made me dead scared of any kind of rejection which is partly what stops me from reaching out.... The fear of being an inconvenience too. Which also might be the source of the anxiety returning full force now that i think of it. I also think i'm the kind of person who just suffers in silence until something goes horribly wrong because i can't justify my own needs for comfort and validation.
I have come so far but still i feel like i'm ready to throw it all away. Which is pretty stupid, i guess. I just want the pain to end and maybe if i wasn't here anymore then i wouldn't feel anything ever again....
Most of all i wish i had the courage to ask for some help. I wish i felt strong enough that i didn't hide my wounds from my mum or from friends or even professionals. That i could find the words to explain how much this hurts without anyone getting cross with me or thinking 'here we go again...!!!' It's like being on a carrousel of destrcution, it just keeps going round and round and i just crave some peace in my mind. Cutting gives me a sort of quiet relief if only for a few hours.
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