Thank you, Aimee. You are quite right, it is now that i must live for others seeing as i cannot live for myself....
I went to my self help support group today at the alcohol counselling place and i told them i was struggling though not quite to what extent. Now i feel guilty for laying my cards on the table and potentially upsetting them/making them worry.... I feel like i'm a whiny little bitch just sucking up the sympathy..... It feels so scary to put yourself out there and admit that things are shit.
My anxiety has returned full force the last month after having been gone for many years.... I get this feeling of dread inside me every once in a while and my legs almost give away and i stumble and fall. Coupled with a racing heart and nausea and dizzyness. Sometimes my voice shakes when i speak because i get so anxious.... My hands shake almost constantly. I really don't need this on top of everything else but what can you do???? I have this feeling of panic inside me all the time.
Which makes me want to drink.... Drink it all away. Which is all sorts of pathetic. But i guess i am pretty pathetic anyway.
I can't sleep at night. I just kind of lay there and feel the panic spreading inside me. The fear of being alone forever. The fear of my own inadequacy and vulnerability. I want so badly to reach out but i am so scared. Which is rather ironic when i always tell everyone else to reach out to me or someone else if they need to.
I want so badly to be tough and strong and sail through my troubles but i now i just feel weak and defeated.....
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