[Zurg]

I figured it was time that i wrote this thread.... I've been burdening my best friend way too much lately when she has her own stuff going on and i feel like i it would be 'bad' to rely on my cpn too much because she seems like she doesn't really know what to do about me... Now, i don't expect any magic solutions or for you to make it all better. All i need right now is for someone to listen and maybe reassure me that this too shall pass in its own time.

Long story short, my heart was recently broken and it has stirred up a destruction in me that i thought i had left behind. To make the awkwardness even bigger he is still in my life. Mainly because i have chosen to keep him as a friend which some might say is a bad decision but it was never the less the decision i made and i stand by that.

But it is hard. Really, really hard. And it has awakened old demons inside me that i thought i'd never wake again. Now, i've never recovered from cutting but for a good few years i haven't cut deep though this has recently changed and i seem to be back in the belly of the beast so to speak. And i really don't know what to do with myself.... On one hand i know i can't go back to where i came from because i will lose control and accidently kill myself one day. On the other hand i ifnd it so hard to care. I really don't give a fuck about myself and to tell the truth i wish i wasn't here anymore....

I become suicidal when things get really bad. Yet i live with the painful insight that killing myself would destroy so many good people who care a great deal about me. So i try to choose the lesser of two evils and turn to cutting instead.

I want so badly to reach out to people but i am so scared to let anyone see me like this, heartbroken and vulnerable, so i just lie and pretend to everyone that i'm fine and dandy. But i'm at the end of my rope and i really don't know what to do with myself anymore.... Giving up now would be so easy. It would be so easy to just let go and slip away from this life and everything that hurts....

I try so hard to care. Yet i don't treat my wounds and i seem to just let myself be sucked deeper and deeper into this spiral of self destruction. The love i feel just seems to grow bigger and it makes me hurt on levels i didn't even knew existed. I am lost. Completely and utterly lost. And i feel so small and worthless.....