I am massively massively grateful for al the replies I have been getting. It is a huge deal to me, even if it says something as simple as "I've heard you" its a great encouragement as I then feel someone somewhere has listened and there is hope because - negatively or positively - I have touched someone, affected someone, and I would hate to end my life knowing that people have thought of me, tried to help me, even been disturbed by what I've said. I need to keep going just for all the people I have connected with in my life.
I should have done a safety plan last night, I knew I was on the verge of something, I've had a plan that this weekend was kind of "do or die" and last night I should have had the dog stay with me but I said no, instantly regretted it as I knew I am vulnerable and so much more likely to be at risk if I'm on my own.
By the way she's not my dog, but I kind of share her and she stays at my house a lot and she's my best friend and keeps me safe, I would never put her at risk.
So last night I was freaking out, but managed to let my friends sort of know I wasn't great, and even managed to get some sleep. However the weekend is only a quarter way through, I am still convinced I shouldn't be here and am contemplating ODing on sleeping tablets, driving off far and sleeping in my car, driving and booking a hotel/B and B, going to beach and waiting for the tide to come right in, or driving miles away and rocking up at some A and E where no one knows me and asking to be put to sleep.
Realistically I'm sure I'll stay in bed till late afternoon, go find some food, maybe get dressed, maybe see my family, then either go back to bed or contact my friend, who I am desperately trying to give a break, that's part of the reason I shouldn't be here cos I'm ruining her life so much.
But then what about tonight? ODing is a huge option, but at home is selfish if my sister finds me, so again even if I get through the rest of the day there's still tonight, and that terrifies me. I have no idea what safety plan to put in place for that, I can't go to my friends or have the dog cos I promised I'd not see them this weekend. And even if tonight's okay, tomorrow wont be. Again I could drive off/OD/etc, I'm dreading this just wish it was Monday so I can see my GP, I know it wont help but just having that appt in place, to kind of look forward to? is a big help and a focus. Kind of annoying, I planned to go away for a while but now I only have the weekend left as need to be here for Mondays appt.
I am feeling quite calm right now, if I don't think about being hungry etc I'm okay, and actually writing this has really helped. Aimee you are an inspiration to me, I feel I want to keep going to show you that it can be done. It helps so much knowing you are trying so hard when you are struggling so so much.
Thank you for reading and replying I couldn't have got this far on my own. I will try to keep going, everyone's right we MUST stick it out, for each other, and yes we're struggling but definitely NOT on our own.
xxx
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