[chickenpie]

I feel very very low and suicidal and I have been feeling better have not cut since end of June but feel I need to, I would be so disappointed if I do. I've been on new meds and I really believe they help. But out of the blue its hit me again this suffocating hopelessness breath taking anxiety time stopping low dark mood just total emptiness and sadness and a need to die.

I am terrified right now. For years I've been feeling bad, then have a worse period, then pick up a bit, then get bad again. But for quite a few weeks I've felt almost normal? if that's possible, so much has been happening yet I've coped, I've managed, I've been okay. So to all of a sudden come face to face with this hell again is devastating.

I can't cope. So this thread looks like a lecture, like there's no feeling in it, like its not serious at all. I really feel this is it. This is never going to go away. I tell my friend how I feel and she's cross, it hurts her if I'm not good, so I feel guilty, I make it all about me don't put anyone else first, even by saying that I'm only thinking of myself. I say nothing right I hurt everyone I get everything wrong I ruin everything. "But you can't say that who's everyone whats everything?" Oh please just listen just believe me just accept I feel desperate please just help me.

No one can help me. I'm seeing my P Doc tomorrow, if I say I'm suicidal he'll say its a symptom of my condition BPD. No one takes me seriously. I feel so so alone. I really feel like I can't do this anymore. I'm just too out of it I can't even begin to talk about things I can't make my brain work I just want to sleep and never wake up. "But you've felt like this before and you were fine." Ouch. So that means I'll be okay this time? Probably. But RIGHT NOW I am not fine I don't feel okay I feel scared I feel pointless I don't want to live.

"Get up, have a bath, have something to eat and drink, go to your Nan's, do some colouring, walk the dog." I CAN'T. Yes distraction helps but right now it doesn't make this stop nothing makes this go away it terrifies me I am overwhelmed and physically can't move I see no point eating if I'll be dead soon why waste food. Why go visit people it will only hurt them more when I'm gone. No one wants me no one trusts me I am no friend just a burden annoying in the way exhausting pathetic I shouldn't be here its so sad I never thought it would come to this.

I don't know what to do. If I think realistically I am scared to go, there are things I'll miss, people I'll miss, its very sad. But I feel I need to do this, I am causing so much pain by being here I can't see this carrying on all it will take is one more push I wont be able to do this. The dog is asleep beside me I love her can't imagine her not being here maybe she would feel the same about me? So selfish to even consider that I would be missed. I can't do this.