My experiencd of sabotage has been the same as others have mentioned here. I was so scared of failing that I didn't even try. Sometimes it's still like that now - I do feel like I deserve things to go well to a degree, but I feel inept in many areas of my life.
When I was younger I was over dependent on services too. I would often not try to get better because I was scared that if contact was reduced, I wouldn't cope and would ultimately die, which is a very scary feeling. Services told me that I would get sick of them before they got sick of me, which eventually turned out to be true.
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