[Lora]

I just..dont know anymore
I really dont
I dont know how I feel
And I hate it
I hate feeling, I hate emotion, bad, and even good,

I wish that, for just one day I could not think about ways to hurt myself, or ways to kill myself, for just one day, I would like to not think about hurting

But I cant, not at all, so I guess Im not doing very good

A few months ago I took an OD, I was in A&E 5 times in the same week as the OD, for stitches. I guess the OD was the last straw. But I ended up in hospital for a couple of days. After that, my family found out about everything, including RYL, and read all my posts, so Ive stayed away for a while. Since then, i realsied how much Id hurt my family and friends, so I knew I had to be ok, and I was for a little while, I even managed to not cut for 5 weeks, but it got to much, the cutting came back, not as bad, but it was there again, but no one could know, my family threatened hospital after the OD as it was, threatened to make me leave uni, so the mask went back on.

Things never really got any better, I just pretended they were, maybe even hoping I might believe it.

I tried to stop cutting, and it didnt really work, then the came drinking most nights on my own, just to not think for a while, just to feel ok, or something, I ended up drinking before work, jujst to get to work and make it through the shift, once I ended up very drunk by the time I got to work, and ran into a small child and sent her flying, and all I could do was sit in a heap on the florr, i couldnt even get up. After that I tried to not drink beofre work, but I ended up overdosing on my anxiety meds just to get through the shift at work.

Nothing is good, nothing, I tried to pretend to everyone, and hope that I would believe it too, but its not working, and I cant fight anymore, now Im trying not to OD, drink and cut, and its not working

Im sick of feeling, i want to feel nothing, absolutly nothing

Im falling
Ive fallen
Im gone