Thanks Alanna. There was some positive news yesterday but selfishly today I feel dreadful and hopeless again. I disassociated on my way to dog training and came round feeling raw and broken and terrified. Like I couldn't breathe from the strangulation or oral stuff. It was such an effort to suppress it and function. I just keep picturing the blood and feeling them inside me. The smells and sounds filling me. My body hurts all over. The white noise and screaming in my head is loud. I feel pathetic and weak and like I need a hand to hold but know I'm fat **** who deserves nothing. I just want to cry but the pain feels buried so deep. I feel like a dirty sordid monster and the shame makes me want to disappear I want to explain some of this to the eating disorders team but the shame makes the words die and I want to curl up. I'm lucky the nurse I see is incredible ( don't deserve that level of support) but I'm not sure she will allow to make myself safe enough to speak. I'm sorry I'm making no sense there is too much of me.
|