I'm sorry I should delete this I don't want it to be like something from ranting and venting I'm sorry I just can't cope. I saw my psychologist for the abuse work yesterday. We talked about why I felt dirty and defective and how may be I'm not to blame. The memories are vivid and strong, I can't stand being this large and fat and well alive and present. She said I'm less numb and she's probably right. I feel like I'm choking on him, I'm supposed to have breakfast how can I chew and swallow with that in my mind and with those sensations. And more to the point this fat. I'm a fat freak. For ****s sake what have I got to do to bring it down? Sorry not that I deserve but I need hugs or some encouragement please. I'm sorry
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