[Pi.R^2]

*tips hat* Long time no see!

I'm glad to hear that you're having some therapy to deal with the abuse. I can't imagine how painful it must be to have to revisit those memories and talk about them, but I hope it will really enable you to work through the things that have happened and be really able to lay them to rest at the end and move forward with your life.

Can you describe in any more detail how losing weight helps you to feel secure? It could be helpful to unpick that. If you continue to lose weight, she'll stop seeing you, and presumably the trauma therapy will also be put on hold? Can you really handle stopping now and having to start all over again? Hang on in there and get the trauma work over and done with. Maybe you could even tell yourself that you can lose weight once it's over (not actually advocating doing do, but sometimes delaying feels more manageable than having to make a big lifelong commitment to recovery!).

You're not dirty or bad. Someone bad hurt you when you were very young. How could that possibly be a reflection on you? The person who hurt you was bad. You were an innocent victim. End of.

You're not a monster either. Sometimes when something really scary happens with my partner in regard to her mental health, I rock up to school the next day and smile and when anyone tries to speak to me about it I make a tasteless joke and change the subject. Sometimes we just can't process all the horrible scary emotions at once, so we block it out and make ourselves numb. There's nothing wrong with that, and I think it's a completely normal response. I do think it might be worth mentioning to the trauma people- I don't know if for the work they're doing they will want you to try to tap into your emotions a bit more, or if it's actually advisable to try to create some distance.

Well that was an essay and a half. I hope it's moderately helpful!