I think the stigma is probably why I have denied it for so long. I would admit to having it, were there not stigmas. It's written everywhere, even in the DSM-5, and that's supposed to be the most up-to-date, so it's just, I don't know, it makes me infuriated. I did the calculations the other day and, based on the 10% statistic and the UK population, it would mean that 32,000 people died because of this, and I don't get why it's then okay to stigmatise something like that. Or anything. But on this matter for now.
I do engage in self-destructive behaviours. I overdosed yesterday and the time before that was probably the Sunday before last. I get it into my head that if I don't overdose, something bad will happen to other people and that I am evil, therefore I need to. It's like something in my head screams at me to do it - sounds weird but it's like another person, she has a name, though she is not another person, she is me. But it's like being shouted at constantly, though it isn't voices. It's complicated.
When I do SH or whatever, it's either something I plan where I set a date (OD) and it's weak if I don't do it. Sometimes though, I can be doing something else and then something might happen and five minutes will have passed and I'll have already overdosed, without even thinking. Other times, I don't remember - though I am holding off that for now - but apparently I get dissociated, which is hard to fight because people expect you to simply 'take responsibility'. I hate hate hate people who use that phrase.
Emotions-wise, I had to surpress them when I was a child because there was so much shouting I figured that if I hid them, people could hurt me - but I think, as well, it was that I wouldn't have to deal with the emotions. All whilst growing up I didn't want people to hurt me so I tried to surpress the emotions, first with hitting and stuff, then with cutting/food/ODing.
When I do experience an emotion, it's generally everything all at once. If something upsets me, it has to be everything. It cannot be that thing, if that makes sense. I'm kind of an all or nothing person.
Apparently I see people in a black and white sense too, which is why I struggle to always know what to say in social situations (and talk too much to make up for that!) and become sensitive to other people and I panicked when I was in a relationship once because I became convinced there were meant to be 'rules' to follow or something. I've steered clear of relationships again! It feels a lot of pressure!
Thanks for your response. It's really well thought out and helpful :) And thanks for taking the time to reply to my post, all of you.
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