Well, months down the line now, I have reached a point where I can cry & show my feelings much more openly n front of my counsellor. I was still feeling self-conscious about getting upset & also felt as if I needed her closer to me, that there was too much distance between us (same kind Of distance I have felt with people who were available to offer me comfort physically and appropriately but I couldn't bring myself to ask for it so I missed out.
After I left her office 3 sessions ago, I texted to ask if we could sit next to each other (instead of opposite & at a distance). She was happy with that.
I was very nervous about doing it but at least wanted to try, I knew my counsellor would see it as a huge breakthrough for me because physical closeness is a problem for me often. She was touched that i wanted tok feel closer (& relieved it wasnt because i wanted to avoid eye contact).
Ironically at the beginning, I could sense her nervousness too, I could hear her breathing. I learned something new about her that day, she is a human being not a god-like person. Perhaps seeing her as such will help me.
So now we have sat next to each other for 2sessions, first week I was very nervous & bottled showing my emotions that much, this week tho I did manage to do that. I cried alot as we were discussing an emotive subject.
Also I worry about getting close to people because I fear they'll leave or reject me, so even getting close to my counsellor feels scary. Of course i do know one day i wont b seeing her anymore. She wanted me to know that I matter to her & at the end she commented that she really does connect with me.
So I guess this last few months I have made huge progress & I wanted to share that in case it might help someone else know it is possible to Improve.
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