[babii.blu.eyes.]

ive been suffering for so long and i dont know if i can keep going. i have tried to kill myself before and not succeeded. i came close last year. really close. but the doctors brought me back and at first i hated them for it. but then i started thinking maybe it was good and i could survive but lately it feels like i wish they had let me die.

i try and tell my psychiatrist hot much im struggling and she says i just need to work harder. keep myself up and about and out of bed. talk more in therapy. just work harder. as if it is that simple. just take some prns. she wont let me stay long in hospital which i dont mind so much because i dont like being locked up but i do mind in the way that im never staying long enough for proper support.
i try and tell my group whats going on but the group psychs just keep saying i gotta keep doing what im doing and things will get better. just keep trucking. but i dont know if i can. i dont know how much longer ive got left in me.
i try and tell my psychologist and she says talk more. be brave and open up more. but she doesnt give me a secure environment to do that in. she cant because my psychiatrist wont admit me long term or for more then just a few weeks max.
i try and tell my mom and she just says 'bad days happen' 'we all have bad days' 'just keep doing what youre doing' 'just keep trying'. she makes out that im just having 'bad days' that its no big deal that im suicidal and being tortured by my own thoughts and feelings. she tries to make it sound like im being a drama queen. she has always made me feel a bit like my problems dont count because 'its just mental illness'

i dont know what to do. i cant hold on much longer i think. i dont know what to do. i found a place that might be able to help me. but i cant afford it. i dont know what to do. i dont know how to be listened to by these people because ive been FIGHTING to be heard for years and still no one seems to be listening to what i say. i could scream my pain from the rooftops and no one would even notice because i am invisible and i dont matter and my life doesnt matter and thats all there is to it i guess. no one will ever listen so i wont get better and i'll just end up killing myself and then they will be like 'whyd she do that' because despite the fact my lungs are aching from screaming NO ONE is listening.