[AndiiLovesOasis]

Lately, I've been feeling so...I don't even know. As a headsup, a lot of this probably won't make sense. I apologise in advance. And some of it may be triggering. I apologise for that, too.

My mom has chronic back pain, and she takes Lortab for it. I want them. I want them so bad, I can't stand it. And I'm too scared to ask. When I get my own prescription of them, for sleep, or whatever, I take too many, and I run out in, like, a week, because I want the high. I haven't had them (except for pain the last couple days; pulled a muscle in my back), and now, all I wanna do is cut. I've been so sucidial for the last, like, three days, it's ridiculous. I wanna go to hospital, and have them sedate me so I can sleep for, like, three days. I feel like I'm having a psychotic break, and I dunno what to do, or how to fix it. Talking about it isn't helping, writing in my journal isn't helping, listening to music isn't helping, none of my usual destractions are getting me through for longer than they last. Like, last night, I watched the fiftith anniversary special of Doctor Who. That destraction lasted as long as the episode, and then it's back to, 'I hate myself, and I wanna die.'
I wanna go to hospital. Like, the ER. And have them just sedate me for three days, but my mom is asleep, and I'm scared to wake her up, and I've been in tears since I woke up, and I'm scared. And I'm tired. And I want my mommy, but she's so tired, and sick of me, and my emotions, and my tears that I'm afraid to even ask her for help now...What am I gonna do? What do I do when there's no one left to talk to?
I was supposed to go to the doctor today about my back, but I fell asleep, and I don't know if they ever called back, because Mom is asleep, and my brothers don't give a shit, and I don't know what to do anymore, I just fucking don't know. I am so sick of everything.
I even had my mom draw a butterfly on my right hand, so I wouldn't cut (I'm right handed, therefore, everytime I use my hand to do anything, I see him, and it stops me), and it's helping me not cut, but they never said I'd kill him if I off'd myself...That wasn't part of the rules...I need my mom, but...She doesn't need my crap, not anymore...I just don't know what to do...I don't know who's left to talk to...And I just want it all to fucking stop...