I can tell you, as a wife, that you are not an awful wife, that you are not an awful friend and that it is not your fault people around you are dying, but I realise that, right now, this can be hard for you to believe. The hatred you are feeling will feed off all your negative emotions. You may not believe me but you are a good person and you have the right to live without all these negative emotions, and the right to be happy. I know.... easy to say. From what I have read above you have been trying to fight and trying to find forms of distraction that work for you. Try and keep that up, as hard as it is at present and as useless as this may seem. This may sound stupid but can you talk to the group coordinator and tell her that yesterday you felt that your wounds were being ripped wide open and time wasn't taken to allow you to heal? It seems, from reading your posts, that this has had a very large negative effect on you and perhaps even adding to the self-hatred. The only other thing I can say is that healing takes both time and effort, although we all privately wish it would be fixed with a snap of our fingers. *safe hugs*
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