[SoSimple]

My sister is a drug addict.

It sounds surreal to pull those words out of me. I fought them for so long, even when it was obvious. I guess the fact that she's been sober for almost a year makes it a little easier to say. But the fear of that reality still lingers. I know the statistics of relapse. I am that statistic. I pray to God that she will find a way not to become that number. But for now, even if only for now, she is sober.

This thought that I have is a terrible one, and I've never shared it with anyone before now. But in a weird way, I envy her. She is one of those people that has the undisputed luxury of freedom. She is allowed to struggle. She has no responsibility for others or even herself, and because of that the world will run to her aid every time she falls.

She has scars on her arm. For years I couldn't put any scars there. I had so many people that depended on me to be stronger than they were, and she was one of them. But for her, this was ok. I never did drugs because I never wanted to hurt anyone but myself with my pain. But she did. I've worked so hard and kept my mouth shut and struggled internally for years and years, screaming from the inside for someone to notice. She just had the freedom and courage to scream out loud.

It is a freedom I am afraid I will never experience.

If it were up to me and I knew it wouldn't affect anyone else, I would fall apart. I would make every mark on my body completely visible so they could see that I can hurt too. I would wait and watch as the world came to my rescue, as someone helped me become a person that was real and whole. But this is not my reality.

The truth is, I'm the one that built up this mirage of a person. I did it to protect them, to be the one person they could count on. Now I am this person to everyone, even myself at times. Destroying it now would mean destroying a piece of myself.

And I don't have that much of myself left to destroy.

What if no one came to my rescue? What if I fell apart and was left to pick myself back up? That's what everyone believes I am capable of. The problem with that is that it's the truth. I am all I've ever had.

I bet it would be nice to have someone, too.

When will it be ok for me to struggle?
When will it be conceivable that I need help, too?
And is that even up to me?

I think it's too far gone. That I'm too far gone. I've suffered for so long in silence that I think it's the only way I can function anymore. So I suppose my healing will have to come this way as well.

Silently.