[SoSimple]

I will never be enough.

Not because I am flawed or less than anyone else. But because I can never push myself enough to do the things I know I should. I have so much guilt that if I think about it even for a bit, it has the power to destroy me. It's been maybe 15 minutes and I'm already picturing myself driving a car into a tree. I know I won't, because I will turn off the guilt before I have the chance.

But isn't that the problem?

I'm not living my life enough for others. Everyone wants you to be comfortable and happy with lots of things and not go too far out of reach to help anyone. I think it's because if you do, they will realize that they're not doing enough either. And that realization either comes with action, or guilt. It makes me want to tear myself open in the most literal sense.

Tonight I went to the gas station to get a coke and a brownie, which costs more than some people make in a year, and it was so cold out. I was wearing 3 shirts, a coat and boots. And I remembered driving by a tent set up by the river that someone was living in. As soon as I started complaining about the cold, I thought about how many blankets it would take that person to become warm in the dead of night sleeping in that tent all by themselves. And then I went home to my heated house and laid under both of my comforters on my bed. Who am I??

I am so selfish.

I know that one day I will look back on my life and see all of the faces of the people that I did nothing for. Moms and dads and sons and daughters who died because they were starving. And what did I do tonight? Aerobics to a YouTube video on my iPhone because I can't keep from eating too much. It's pathetic. And who am I kidding? Apparently everyone but myself.

The problem is that I don't deserve to die. I deserve the discomfort of having to give up my coffee drinks and closet full of clothes to find someone who has no food or clothing. And that is painful. As if their starvation wasn't.

I really hate myself sometimes.

I'm going to bed.