[Cyanide Cola]

So, this part is a bit short, because I've been a bit busy and this is what I've gotten done, but anyway enjoy and let me know what you think. I also cleaned up part one so it's easier to fallow =)


People around here and their ****ing masks. I’m not totally sure why they where them. Are they afraid of catching something for us, or where they afraid to get us sick. I guess it didn’t matter, but it was just another thing that made this place feel...wrong, I think. You could never get conformable here. The only way I could sleep was the ambien they gave me. I was glad for it. I finally got some sleep last night. I was actually feeling better today, maybe it was the sleep, maybe I had just accepted my fate. But it had been a long time sense I remember feeling this stable, at least without my girlfriend or friends. When I was around them, they made me feel safe, like I was okay. I guess I was feeling pretty good when I was still all ****ed up from the pills I took. In that state I couldn’t remember why I was in the hospital. I didn’t know what I had tried to do. I kept telling Mara and the nurses that ‘this isn’t real” and pulling out my IVs. They had put a tube down my throat to give me the charcoal. My voice was still raspy. Words cannot express how glad I am I don’t remember that. I remember was getting out of Allie’s car after begging her to just drive me to the hospital, so I wouldn’t have to get in the ambulance, and getting into an ambulance. I remember the horrible feeling I had, because at that point I knew I’d survive. I remember them asking me what happened, what I had taken it and why I had taken it. I remember one of them holding my arm and me being in excruciating pain. The last thing I remember was looking out the ambulance and seeing Allie talking to a police officer, then nothing until a few days after it had happened. It’s weird having this gap in my memory. People told me what had happened when I was still ****ed up, and it’s weird. But it’s all black for me. The next thing I remember is talking to my cousin. I think I was laughing, but I remember seeing him with sad watery eyes. Then it’s blurry. Then I remember the next day clearly. I was so unhappy. And gross. Apparently I had refused to shower until then. And I need help to do it. It’s a strange feeling not to be able to move like you’re used to. I couldn’t seem to get my legs and feet to work like they did. I needed a walker at first, and help trying to get to the bathroom. But it slowly got better. In two days, I was walking on my own, just like normal. I had to have someone in my room at all times. Watching me, I guess to make sure I wouldn’t try to off myself again, not that I could. There wasn’t anything around me that I could use to hurt myself anyway. I was so humiliated. So ashamed. I hated myself. I hurt my family, lied to them, and now I couldn’t even tell them why. I just couldn’t explain myself. And I didn’t know how to get them to understand. There was so much, and I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t have a choice, It’s what I had to do, and I just wished they could understand that. I’m such an awful person. Do I even deserve to get better? Do I deserve to be happy or even feel good for a moment. No. No I didn’t. So in that moment I brought myself back to the pit. Because that’s where I deserved to be.