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Old 10-07-2013, 08:15 AM   #4
StillVacant
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: London, UK
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very good poem. I'd only lose the word "clinical" for the light though as that's really clichéd and is not at all how streetlights are - they simply aren't bright enough to be clinical,though they are cold but that doesn't scan nicely - you could have "critical" instead to imply a sense of judgement which is echoed later in the poem with weighing up and questioning who did it. but the rest has great pace and confidence and is nicely done.



I’m hurting this body just to get by
Choked with hot tears and stale pie-in-the-sky.


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